Caring for Yourself

As parents of children from hard places, we have to be ever present and ever intentional in our parenting. Making up for lost years means these children need a higher level of attention and nurture. Meeting the needs of your child in they best way for him may leave you feeling drained, spent, frustrated and on-edge. All parents of kids with special needs to to take special care of themselves. Meeting your own needs and creating a supportive environment for yourself can allow you to have the physical and emotional energy to parent your child with all the structure and nurture he needs. You will need to refill your own well of emotional and physical strength frequently. Be sure to get some daily exercise, fresh air, and sunshine. Your child needs these things too so a walk outdoors will take care of your needs, his needs, and be a connecting activity for both of you. Just like your child, you need optimal nutrition; a healthy diet and supplements as well as plenty of hydration. Also just like him, you may need more sleep then you imagine. Treat yourself, you deserve it, to what ever relaxes you: a massage, a hot bath, a good book. Find a way to have regular, planned respite. Both a few hours off as a couple or by yourself and weekends away are essential. This may mean training someone especially to care for your child if his needs are great. Periodically evaluate whether one parent is carrying most of the load and adjust as necessary. Design the life you need to stay strong. Developing effective coping strategies can prevent stress from escalating into a crisis. Remind yourself that you are not the source of your child's problems. Don't take his behavior personally and identify who owns the problem. Keep your sense of humor and playfulness. Make time for fun and laughter increasing positive interactions between all members of the family. Don't compare your family with others, but do find other foster and adoptive parents to hang out with. Reframe your definition of success and find joy in small steps forward. Don't let the heat slowly turn up on your stress meter without noticing. Use effective coping skills to keep the temperature down. One way to help yourself is to create a circle of support. Be intentional in developing your circle to assure all your needs are met. The top challenge identified by adoptive parents in a recent study was lack of validation, understanding, and support from those outside the home. Find people to fill these roles in your life (created by Heather Bench):

• The Rock -- A person(s) who will remain in your life during the difficult times and continue to love you unconditionally.

• The Wise -- A person(s) who will always tell the truth even when it is not what you want to hear.

• The Learner -- A person(s) who will learn alongside of you.

• The Helping Hand -- A person(s) who understands and is aware when you may need a break and steps in to assist.

• The Advocate -- A person(s) who will always stand up for you and continue to support you.

On the other hand, remove yourself from those who are hurting rather then helping. When someone starts to tell that horrible story they saw on the news about adopted or foster kids, excuse yourself to the restroom. Avoid people drawn to special needs but with nothing positive to offer. Don't share your challenges with those who don't understand your commitment. Spend time instead with those who see potential; those who recognize strengths before they emerge. You probably began your adoption journey when God spoke to your heart. You answered the call with compassion. The word compassion comes from the Latin "suffer with". Raising a child who has experienced trauma we will suffer with him. When you board an airplane the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on first and then attend to your child. Even in the crisis and panic of an airline emergency we must attend to our own oxygen mask first to be the best caretaker we can for our child. Also true in our day-to-day lives, we must meet our own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs to be available to meet our child's. Resource: Wounded Children Healing Homes by Jayne Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley, and Timothy Callahan.