Expecting the Unexpected

Did you expect the process to be this frustrating?

Did you expect it to take this long?

Did you expect all your family and friends to accept your new child? Did you expect adopting a child to fill a void in your life?

Did you expect adopting a child to bring you and your spouse closer?

Did you expect your child to be grateful to join your family?

If you have been waiting long for a child to join your family, probably some of your expectations of the process or timeline have not met. When you first bring home your child, you may experience a lack of support by family and friends. Or your expectation of a seamless integration of your child into your family may not occur. Disappointment and frustration can hinder connection between parent and child. Unrealistic expectations is in the top ten list for predictors for risk of depression and anxiety among adoptive families.

All adoptive parents will experience assumptions which do not hold up in the reality of life after their child comes home. As with all other aspects of our lives, we make assumptions; it's only natural. My father had a not-so-nice saying about assumptions. I won't repeat it here but suffice to say having assumptions or expectations often leads us to be hit unprepared to deal with the trials we face.

What can we do if we see find ourselves frustrated because our expectations are not being met? It is helpful to reexamine our motivation for adoption and our commitment to our child. Most of us, at some point in our early marriage, had a rude awakening. We realized married life was not all a bed of roses. Our commitment to our spouse, those vows we said, can carry us through the tough moments. Marriage experts often recommend revisiting one's wedding video or reminiscing about the dating years to remind ourselves of why we fell in love with this person in the first. It is the same with our children. We think back on our call to adopt and commit to stick it out in our waiting journey, or with our child, "for better or for worse".

We need to reframe our expectations of the future to be more realistic. This includes not only our expectations of our child, but also of other family members, the adoption agency, our church, and most importantly, ourselves. You may be feeling guilty about your anger and frustration. You may be appalled at your lack of control. You may feel like a failure. Even if you are a seasoned parent, realize parenting this child is not like your past experiences with your birth children.

• Give yourself time to adjust.

• Recognize this is stressful.

• Give yourself time to learn new methods and understand your child's challenges.

• Call on your support system.

• Give yourself permission to feel ambivalent, frustrated, or afraid.

• Make a conscience effort to be open and flexible.

• Family members must be willing to be uncomfortable for a time as the new normal settles in.

• The expectations of others can't be held up as a mirror for a perfect family. Friends and family have not been in the place you are in. Find other adoptive parents who can empathize instead of criticize.

• Most importantly, pray for God to help you let go of any unrealistic expectations and live content, trusting Him with the life He has given you.