Leading the Dance

Looking at your own attachment style, as a friend, spouse, and parent, can give you insight into your relationships and how you react to those you love.

Attachment in adulthood relates to how we build relationships and manage those interactions – how we communicate, repair, and relate. The foundation is laid in infancy out of our drive to survive and obtain our basic needs, but other relationships and experiences impact attachment as well. These early relational experiences are models for relationships in the future. The earlier the relationship in our development, the deeper the root and the more difficult it may be to identify and change. Securely attached people had consistent support from responsive caregivers. If there were adverse experiences in their lives, there were also bigger, stronger, wiser adults to help them understand those experiences and feel safe. These people have long-term, trusting relationships emphasizing protection, safety, and empowerment. They have a strong sense of self-esteem and respect others.

People with avoidant dismissive attachment adaptations tend to keep intimacy at arm’s length or to diminish the importance of relationships. They may have grown up with parents who were overwhelmed and closed off to their child’s needs. They may have not been physically present due to work requirements. Their parents may have been especially harsh, discouraged outward displays of emotion, or pushed an unrealistic amount of independence. Until recently, this was a traditional way of parenting boys. As adults, these children have difficulty expressing needs or feel it is better to do it themselves. They might tend to dismiss emotions, giving the impression that they do not care.

People with ambivalent anxious attachment adaptation deal with anxiety about having their needs met or feeling secure in being loved or lovable. If early caregivers were emotionally needy, perhaps due to their own struggles with depression or grief, a child may learn to be anxious about meeting the parents’ emotional need. Maybe the parent was inconsistent, sometimes being loving and engaged and sometimes detached, and the child developed anxiety about keeping their attention. As an adult, children who grew up with these caregivers might unconsciously smother their partner or push them away with unrealistic demands or expectations. They could be overly anxious to please others with little thought for themselves.

However, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Cor 5:17. We are not limited by our past or lead by our pain. Just being aware of our attachment tendencies gives us the flexibility to consider this in our relationships. When we know what we are bringing to our interactions, we can thoughtfully consider our responses and make the changes necessary to improve our reactions. Those who tend to be dismissive can intentionally stop and listen to emotional needs and show empathy. They can practice sharing their own feelings and learn to ask for help when needed. Those who tend to be anxious can focus on recognizing and meeting their own needs. They can practice ways to calm that desperate inner voice through breathing, meditating on scripture, or other strategies. Making sense of our own early life experiences can allow us to move forward in security. As adults, we can let go of our history with forgiveness. It may be helpful to journal and/or talk to a trusted person about what you needed and did not get.

If you would like to take an attachment styles quiz and receive a free booklet on this topic, including how to help yourself and your spouse, I would recommend Dr. Diane Poole Heller’s site https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/. Another resource for looking at our past and how it affects our current relationships, including our view of God, is Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson. For discussion around parenting and emotions, check out Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell.