Expectations

Did you expect your adopted or foster child to react to your parenting the same as your other children? Did you expect for it to take this long for everyone to adjust? Did you expect your family and friends to accept your new child? If you expectations are not met, how has this affected your ability to connect? Perhaps when you first adopted you expected your love to be enough to heal your child. Maybe you thought they would have needs that were just like your birth children or those of friend's children you knew. You thought this new child would fit in with your family values and goals. And probably, your expectations where not met. This, coupled with a lack of support by family and friends can create despair in adoptive parents. Disappointment and frustration can hinder connection between parent and child. Unrealistic expectations is in the top ten list for predictors for risk of disruption among adoptive families. All adoptive parents will experience assumptions which do not hold up in the reality of life after their child comes home. As with all other aspects of our lives, we make assumptions; it's only natural. My father had a not-so-nice saying about assumptions. I won't repeat it here but suffice to say having assumptions or expectations often leads us to be hit unprepared to deal with the trials we face. What can we do if we see find ourselves frustrated as our expectations are not being met? It is helpful to reexamine our motivation for adoption and our commitment to our child. Most of us, at some point in our early marriage, had a rude awakening. We realized married life was not all a bed of roses. Our commitment to our spouse, those vows we said, can carry us through the tough moments. Marriage experts often recommend revisiting one's wedding video or reminiscing about the dating years to remind ourselves of why we fell in love with this person in the first place (which is often those same qualities we now find hard to live with). It is the same with our children. We think back on our call to adopt and commit to stick it out with our child "for better or for worse". We need to reframe our expectations of the future to be more realistic. This includes not only our expectations of our child, but also of other family members, the adoption agency, our church, and most importantly, ourselves. You may be feeling guilty about your anger and frustration. You may be appalled at your lack of control. You may feel like a failure. Even if you are a seasoned parent realize parenting this child is not like your past experiences with your birth children. Give yourself time to learn new methods and understand your child's challenges. Give yourself permission to feel ambivalent, frustrated, or afraid. Realize the difficult place your child came from and how that trauma is effecting his development. Know that his brain is not operating at chronological age. Recognize that fear is driving his behaviors. Think about children with physical handicaps. Although parents of these children certainly want them to go as far as they can, to be as independent as possible, they do not deny the presences of the handicap. They do not insist their child with no legs walk like other kids with no assistance. No, they provide a wheelchair, or prosthesis, or an arm to lean on. Adoptive parents must be more intentional in their parenting. Make a conscience effort to be open and flexible. Family members must be willing to be uncomfortable for a time as the new normal settles in. If the image of what a family is supposed to look like is valued more then the child's feelings, parents will be continually frustrated. Adoptive parents must meet their child where he is at and move forward from there, not at their own pace but that which he is capable of. The expectations of others can't be held up as a mirror for successful parenting. Friends and family have not been in the place you and your child are in. Find other adoptive parents who can empathize instead of criticize.