Caring for the Heart

Adopted and foster children have a lot to be sad about. Everyone grieves the loss of those he loves. Children removed from families have lost caregivers and siblings. They've lost the opportunity to grow up without abuse. Those coming out of foster care experienced a loss for every move they have made. Those coming from overseas have lost their culture, familiar food, their first language. Those adopted at birth have lost their heritage and the opportunity to grow up "normal" in a birth family. The list goes on and on. Guilt and confusion can complicate grief. Ambivalent feelings toward a caregiver or lack of knowledge as to why she was separated from her family make the situation more complex. Because children under the age of six have their identities intertwined with their parents, those who were separated from their caregiver at a young age have lost a part of their perception of themselves. Grieving children may have uncommon fears, feel tired, or over react. They may suddenly change their mood for no apparent reason. Children who are grieving are grouchy and hard to live with. They will never be satisfied. Because of the sadness within them they will always feel like things are not right. Since they don't understand that what's "not right" is inside they'll constantly want what's outside changed. The child can't fully attach to her new parents while still heavily grieving for her old ones, the adoptive parent can't fully attach to their new child when they feel like they can do nothing right for her. Children need a sensitive adult to give them the emotional energy to grieve. Parents who provide support for their child allow her to work through her losses and move on to attach to others and enjoy childhood. Parents need to knowledge their child's fear and sadness and create an environment where the child feels safe to express painful feelings and confusing thoughts. Children need to get the message that it is okay to feel what they are feeling. We would never think to chide a grieving widow but often expect children to come through drastic changes with no sense of loss. Parents need to respond to feelings, listening, affirming the pain, assuring them of our commitment, and comforting them. Parents can give their child information about the past and help the child with reality testing. Children are ego-centric. They automatically assume it is their fault the separation occurred. Helping a child to understand the circumstances of their past and process their memories can move them through their grief rather then leaving them "stuck" in a confusing place. The less information there is the more likely children will fantasize about the past and the future. They are sure the birth parent left them by mistake and will one day return. There is some disagreement among professionals as to how much parents or therapist should confront denial. Some say it may take a blunt conversation to help a child overcome the denial they have about the permanency of their loss. Those difficult conversations, when coupled with empathy and followed by comfort can draw a child closer to her new parents. Others feel working very slowly through a life book allows the child to draw her own conclusions about the past. Letting the child tell her story and helping her to process experiences and make sense out of what happened will allow her to move at her own pace. Children will seldom bring up these subjects themselves and many adoptive parents are afraid to talk about their child's past. We as parents need to be the ones with the emotional strength to initiate conversations. It takes courage. Be assured that talking about the past will not make your child love you less. Allowing her to grieve while you show empathy and commitment will only bring greater intimacy. As with all our relationships, we consider ourselves closest to those we share our feelings with. Allowing your child a safe place to share her feelings will help both of you to feel closer to one another. Reading children's books about adoption, watching movies where it is discussed, or going over a life book can open up conversations and help your child to know the subject is not taboo. Be especially alert for signs of sadness around birthdays, holidays, graduation, weddings and other life junctures. During these times make sure your child knows you are available. Being sensitive to our child's grief, not afraid to acknowledge it or hear about it, we can provide valuable support for them and help them move to a place of greater intimacy with us.